How To Create Submissive Rules That Work
After more than five years in a D/s dynamic with my Mistress, I’ve learned that setting rules is about more than control. Rules create structure, build trust and reinforce a kinky lifestyle.
Why Create Submissive Rules?
Rules can enhance any D/s dynamic. They help show clear authority between the roles, create structure and help reinforce the power exchange in everyday life. For the submissive, rules can provide clarity, improve focus and create a stronger connection. For the Dominant, they develop a framework which reflects their leadership, authority, care and help build consistency within the relationship.
Rules benefit both the Dominant and submissive. By reducing uncertainty, misunderstandings and help nurture and strengthen a healthy D/s relationship.
Safety and Consent
Rules should only be implemented within a safe and consensual dynamic. Before any rule is introduced, both the Dominant and submissive need to discuss hard limits, soft limits, likes and preferences.
Consent isn’t a one-time conversation and must be ongoing. It’s not uncommon for limits and preferences to change and evolve within a D/s relationship. It’s crucial to have regular, open and honest conversations to discuss anything.
Safety also means being realistic. A rule that interferes with work or family responsibilities, creates resentment won’t strengthen a dynamic. It will undermine it. A healthy set of rules should support the relationship and not make either person feel trapped or insecure.
What Makes a Good Rule?
A good rule is easy to understand, practical, clear and suitable for the D/s dynamic. Vague rules will cause confusion and may hinder a relationship.
Good rules should be purposeful and have a reason behind them. It may be to reinforce structure, build discipline or maintain a sense of connection.
Example
Vague Rule: Do your chores properly.
Improved Rule: The submissive will complete the washing up by 10am on Monday morning and communicate in advance if they are unable to do so.
Why It Works: In the example above, the vague rule isn’t clear what is required and will cause confusion. In the improved rule, the specific chore is defined as the washing up and states when it must be completed, in addition, the rule also includes a caveat for when situations may not allow for the rule to be actioned.
Types of Rules to Consider
There are many different types of rules that can be incorporated within a D/s dynamic, not all rules will be suitable for everyone. The aim is to choose rules that reflect the needs, desires and boundaries of your specific relationship. Below are a few common categories that many Dominants and submissives may want to consider.
Communication: May include how the dynamic is discussed, how regular check-ins are handled and much more. In many D/s relationships, communication rules do more to strengthen a relationship than any other.
Protocols: May include daily greetings, how the Dominant is to be addressed and regular acts of service.
Household: May include chores, routines and responsibilities within the home.
Health and Wellbeing: May include personal development, self-care, habits and rituals that support a submissives physical and mental health.
Sexual: May include orgasm control, masturbation rules, chastity rules and requiring permission before any sexual acts.
Financial: May include allowances, requiring permission before making purchase or setting savings goals.
Consequences and Accountability
Rules only have meaning if there is a form of accountability associated to them. If a rule is repeatedly ignored or broken without consequence, it no longer becomes a rule and merely a loose preference.
Consequences should be discussed in advance. Sometimes accountability may involve a conversation, reflection, or a corrective action. In other circumstances, there may be agreed disciplinary measures. The most important aspect of a consequence is that the response is understood, consensual and proportionate.
An important distinguish to make is between deliberate disobedience and genuine difficulty. If a submissive breaks a rule because it was forgotten, unclear or no longer practical, that may indicate a problem with the rule itself rather than the person.
Reviewing and Adapting the Rules
Rules should never be considered finished. D/s dynamics evolve over time, along with people’s circumstances, work schedules, health, family life, and as the relationship continues to grow rules may need to be adjusted.
Reviewing a submissive’s set of rules regularly will help ensure they remain suitable and practical. It’s not uncommon for rules to require an update from time to time, to be expanded, simplified, or completely replaced. Adapting rules shouldn’t be considered a failure either, in fact, it shows signs of a healthy and maturing D/s dynamic.
Common Mistakes
One of the most common mistakes made in a D/s dynamic is creating too many rules all at once. When you’re just getting started it can feel exciting to create an extensive rule book. However, creating too many rules at once will become overwhelming and difficult to manage.
Another common mistake is failing to be practical. Rules need to take into consideration real life. Work commitments, family obligations, travel, illness and changes in circumstances can all affect what is possible. Any rule that isn’t practical is likely to cause frustration.
As mentioned earlier, vague rules will cause confusion. It’s more beneficial to have fewer rules that are more specific and workable than an extensive list of unclear expectations.
And finally, some people make the mistake of copying rules from another dynamic without deciding if the rules are suitable and practical for their own circumstances. What works well for one D/s relationship won’t work for another. Instead of simply copying rules, take inspiration and adapt the rules to be practical and suitable for your own dynamic.
Conclusion
Incorporating rules for a submissive can be helpful and improve the overall structure of a dynamic. However, they’re only beneficial when they’re created with purpose and practical for your own lifestyle. The aim isn’t to create an extensive set of rules that is meaningless but instead create rules that strengthen and grow your relationship.